First thing I remember is your laughter. The way you used to turn your head this way and that, adjusting your long hair. A smile and a pose for the photograph. Your confusions and my explanations but you used to do your own thing, but approach me again. I still remember your scent, long fingers and soft toes.
How to say, how much I miss you. Its an irony. Like fuel and fire. Need for both but no eternal harmony. Like campfire and funeral pyre.
Dark may it sound but those who burn feel the warmth before death.
Next thing I remember is your warm hug, never felt that cozy again. Sleep in your lap was the only thing I wanted then. Time runs so fast. Every time I walk by the white flowers on campus, a bunch of them wish there was someone to smell them, appreciate them, hold them and touch. Every time I walk by nursery pots, they ask me for a sampling, pour some water and make it ready. Cactus to Orchid, flower to tree, dance to music, grapes to wine, grill to popcorn, movies to real life drama. We spent time like we knew it was going to end soon.
Actually, you were the first person I could really fall in love with. Total madness. I really felt like what is it as being possessed by someone. Possessiveness, insecurity crept in, so called rational decision became the ultimate priority. How much I miss myself actually. Time machine looks like a great concept now, after my mistakes. But I know, I had to let you go and be in pain. Was I a coward or hypocrite or spineless or selfish or just crazy?
When will I stop thinking about you? When will I stop thinking what would you have done when I am feeling really good and want to share it with just you? Do I really get a chance again to meet you and say I really missed you? I let you control me but then I broke off. I know you control whats in the future. Who can catch and latch up the air? Its volatile and sensuous, fast paced. It just triggers and off it goes. True to your stars, I am still pregnant with your thoughts which is unfair.
Long chats, small talks, small quarrels and big battles I saw all with you. Betrayal, liking, love and hate I had all with you. But I still remember you. "Bloody Hell", I know you don't like it. I also know you liked dresses, socks and your lip balm and the way you used to perfect the bed-sheeting.
When I am really alone and my mind is blank, only thing that comes to my memory is one morning. As I got up from sleep and opened my eyes, I saw your head on my chest, you were asleep, in deep sleep. Your face was calm and breathing, slow. All I did was to caress your hair and have a look at your face; bliss. I miss this every time I am alone.
I had a really good time with you. I don't know to whom I am grateful and to whom I am accountable. I miss you.
Monday, October 12, 2009
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